I was reborn on October 21, 2013. . . I let go. In a room full of angels, some of the deepest, darkest rotting pain was extracted my soul. And in those worn out and tired places, love was replenished. I won’t ever forget that feeling.
I am more open to feeling fully. I have been tearful at various times. I have experienced unrestrained joy and celebration more. I feel more relaxed — both physically and emotionally. I am more patient and compassionate. I have been able to listen more intently and quietly and from that listening, I have heard things I previously would not have heard. Everything is good — even the painful stuff.
Have you ever had a day when nothing seemed to bother you? Not that everything was going perfectly, just that when things went wrong they didn’t seem to get to you the way they usually do? That tells us one very important thing about the nature of stress: it is not, as we usually think, caused by the events in our lives, rather by our reactions to those events. Most of what happens to us we can’t control (although we certainly try our best to), but we can always do something about our responses to the stressors in our daily lives.
Not mentioning the things we can do to prevent stress from occuring (like eating a healthy diet, exercising, living the life you want to live, etc.), there are three levels on which we can control our reactions to stressors:
- When one becomes aware that one is holding tension in our body, there are numerous techniques (like stretching, taking a deep breath, etc.) that can be used to temporarily relieve the build-up of stress in the body;
- One can look into the underlying beliefs, thoughts, and feelings that are creating the reaction to the stressors in one’s life (by becoming conscious of these factors, they lose their power over one); and,
- One can develop an awareness (through meditative exercises) of the mechanisms of consciousness that create the chain reaction that ultimately produces stress.
I found my little boy inside my heart. I had locked him away to protect him from getting hurt. I found that I created the separation from myself and that if I allow people to come in and out of my life without attaching to them then there is peace and balance. I am a gentle man with peace in my heart.
What has changed in my life since spending 7 days in an intensive with Dale and my significant-other? Basically, I learned to use ordinary experiences and relationships and create extraordinary life experiences that have such depth that for the first time in my life I am feeling/receiving the love I have always craved but did not know how to get.
In my primary relationship I had either shut down without expecting to get my needs met sacrificing my “self” or became embittered and locked into a power struggle. I was the queen of abandoning both self and other in relationship. When the going got tough, I got going – gone.
I have learned to know myself in an ongoing discovery process that allows me to explore what is happening inside me. I notice now when I am uncomfortable within myself and ask the right questions which lead me home. I have learned to speak authentically, with compassion for other much of the time. I have learned to listen without owning my “other’s” stuff and to notice what belongs to me without trying to force him to wear my stuff, fix it, etc. This discovery process has removed the separation within my partnership while also giving me myself on a more full time basis. The surrender to inner peace and love is mine for the first time. Finally, I know I have found the truest way for me to be and give back to the world.
Since I did this with my significant other/partner I want to say that this is the deepest, most direct path to having intimate relationships. It was my crash course (after having a lifetime of less than wonderful relationships, reading tons of self-help books, therapy, etc.) to getting what I have always wanted: love.
I had a spiritual experience that I believe was genuine. No opening has ever occured for me as completely, as consciously as this one. I experienced my longing for the Beloved, my yearning for connection with Source, and it was met with complete acceptance and favor. My life is different. And it was clearly the support of the group, their undivided attention, their willingness, that allowed me to be willing to accept the unknown beyond the frontier of my knowing.
We are multi-dimensional beings. We are at-once both spiritual beings and egoful beings. By ego, I mean the persona – the set of beliefs about who and what we are – we adopt at an early age. By spiritual, I mean our inherent wholeness and interconnectedness/ non-separateness from all existence – the vastness of being which is our True Nature.
Usually, when we think of free will – at least in this culture – we think it means that God-given human quality that allows us to choose to do whatever we choose to do, that our lives are not pre-determined and that we are not driven entirely by instinct. We have both a discriminating and reflective consciousness and the ability to make decisions based on that consciousness.
One summer in the early 1970’s, I participated in an intensive yoga training in Ann Arbor, Michigan. While I was there, I took advantage of the opportunity to have an astrological reading with Michael Erlewine, a world-renowned astrologer. Michael took my astrological chart, looked up a couple of things in a book, made a couple of notes on my chart, and then said the following to me: “You know, astrology is a very accurate science. For example, I can tell you that right around your 24th birthday you had a life-changing experience. [Actually, it was on my 24th birthday that I had a “peak experience” (where I felt completely alive again for the first time since I was nine years old), which marked the beginning my conscious spiritual quest.] And then, about a year-and-a-half later, you had an even more powerful, spiritual experience. [It was one year, four-and-a-half months later that I had what I refer to as a “religious experience,” where I experienced for the first time the “oneness of being.”] And I could tell you about your future, but what’s really important is what’s happening right now.” Michael then proceeded to counsel me for the next hour-and-a-half about what I was dealing with my life at that time.
The following morning, as I was riding my bike to my first yoga class of the day, I asked myself, “Why did I go see Michael, anyway?” The answer came immediately: “To make sure my life was on the right track.” I was so struck with the absurdity of it all, that I started laughing so hysterically that I had to pull over to the side of the road and get off my bike until I could regain my composure. Of course my life was on the right track! What other track could it possibly be on? Given everything that had happened in my life, I could only be exactly where I was at any given moment. All the causes and conditions, all the experiences, all the prior conclusions and beliefs I had chosen to adopt as a result of all my experiences had gotten me to exactly this place in this time. I couldn’t possibly be anywhere else other than where I was. And this is always the truth. Writing this article, I am sharing with you the understanding of free will that I have come to as a result of all of my past experiences and the conclusions I have drawn from them. If you had had these same experiences, you might have drawn different conclusions based on your beliefs created by your responses to your previous life experiences. But I can only be writing this article.
Now, that is not to say that I couldn’t write a different article. Indeed I could. And that is an expression of what we usually think of as free will. But even that article would be conditioned by my past experiences and the beliefs I had adopted from them. I would never write the article that a Catholic theologian or African medicine man would write.
The self must be destroyed, brought down to nothing, in order for self-transcendence to begin. Then the self can begin to relate to powers beyond itself. It has to trash around in its finitude, it has to “die,” in order to question that finitude, in order to see beyond it. – Ernest Becker
So, from the point of view of the ego/personality my will is only free to the extent that it operates within the limitations of my conditioning. But there is a truly Free Will that exists beyond the ego. Paradoxically, this true Free Will opens up for me when I give up my ego-driven free will. Ego-based “free will” is driven by fear – the fear created by belief that there is an “I,” a self that is separate from the Universe/God. This ego-I feels very small and insignificant in relation to the immensity of the All, suffers pain, and stands to lose everything at the moment of death. We try to compensate for this underlying fear by becoming greedy. All of our addictions are our unskillful attempts to deny the fear created by the sense of an ego-I.
True Free Will exists when I surrender my ego-based will – when I let go into the vastness of being that is my True Nature. This is the place of “Not my will, but Thine be done.” And in this place of openness and vulnerability, my personal will is freed to be able to be truly responsive to whatever needs to be done. Because I am not operating from my ego-based conditioned responses, I am able to see clearly the nature of the situation I am in and am able to do exactly the right and best thing in that circumstance. There is no fear to interfere. There is just a simple joy, purity of purpose, and unconditional love for all that is.
Is it possible to live in this state of grace? I’m not sure. But I do know one can experience this state of being. If you’d like to dis(un)cover it for yourself, and are willing to invest some time to “arrive” there (here), simply do the following:
Get into a comfortable sitting (preferably with back erect) or lying posture. Relax as much as you possibly can. Then scan your body from the top of your head to the tips of your toes, without excluding any part, to feel what is happening in every part of your body. Now go back and find the place in your body that is most strongly asking for your attention (experienced as pain, tension, intense sensation, etc.), and let go into/ explore/ inquire into/ surrender into this inner space until it dissolves or shifts to the point where some other part of your body is asking more strongly for your attention. Continue this process until there is no more tension anywhere in your body, and you are aware of your whole body all at once. At this point, just be with whatever is happening within and without until you are moved to do whatever you need to do next. Notice where the impulse to action arises from: is it from your fear-based ego-I or from something larger than your little self – my will or thine? If it feels like ego, keep letting go some more until you sense something else – the All – moving in and through you.
People most often come to see me wanting a quick fix. Sometimes, quick fixes are possible – that is, if a person is interested only in getting rid of the current discomfort in his or her life, that person may be able to find temporary relief. But usually, true healing of the source of one’s suffering takes a lot of work and a lot of time.
Often, in the process of uncovering the roots of our discomfort, we begin to see the depths of the source of that discomfort, and we realize that there is much more to see than we had suspected. We realize, in fact, that we are on a spiritual journey – the journey home – and that the journey is a long one. At this point, we are faced with a decision: “Do I venture forth on this journey, ‘I know not where, by a path I know not how’? Or do I retreat back into the (false) security of the suffering I’m familiar with?”
The first big corner one has to turn on the inner journey is to commit to do whatever it takes for however long it takes. When one truly commits to the path in this way, much of one’s suffering falls away. That is, one gives up the resistance to the deepest drive within oneself – the drive to re-member one’s True Nature – and then the inner journey becomes what I call the Great Adventure.
Sadly, in my experience, very few people ever turn that first corner and embark on the Great Adventure. The spiritual quest requires a level of dedication, effort and determination that is beyond the ordinary. On that journey, one must face tremendous difficulty – terror, rage, excruciating pain, existential angst…. If one is fortunate, one may find friends – spiritual brothers and sisters – to share the journey with. But, ultimately, it is a solitary journey. One has to face one’s demons alone. And the challenges and opportunities for opening more and more deeply to the Truth of one’s Being are endless!
Honesty is such a lonely word.
Everyone is so untrue.
Honesty is hardly ever heard,
and mostly what I need from you.”
Billy Joel, “Honesty”
In the workshops I facilitate, I ask all the participants to commit to two primary ground rules – confidentiality and honesty. Confidentiality means that no one will share with anyone other than the person who shared their story anything about that story in a way that anyone could ever identify the person who shared it. This ground rule makes it reasonably safe for participants to openly share what they need to share in order to do the work they came to do. Honesty means knowing what you’re thinking and feeling and not holding back from another person anything you see about him or her that might help that person end the cycle of suffering that she or he is creating for him/herself and/or others. These two principal ground rules create a safe environment where people can be real, open, honest, and free with themselves and others.
When I talk about honesty, I say I’m talking about impeccable honesty – not something we’re used to by any means in our culture. To impress upon the participants how difficult it is to practice impeccable honesty, I tell them what a friend of mine, Tah-Weh-Dah-Qui – a Native American medicine man – said to me about honesty. Tah-Weh-Dah-Qui has done some very austere and difficult spiritual practices that I’m aware of, and probably many more I’m not aware of. He has completed four traditional sun dances, where participants dance for four days and nights straight, at the end of which, two hooks are put through their chest or back, with a buffalo skull attached to leather straps attached to the hooks, and they continue to dance, dragging around the buffalo skull until the hooks rip loose from their skin. He has done a 21-day vision quest, where he went up on the top of a hill in the Onondaga Reservation naked, with only a blanket – no food or water – in the middle of the winter and “cried for a vision” for his people. And numerous other practices that are quite severe. Tah-Weh-Dah-Qui told me that of all the practices he has undertaken, and of all the practices his teachers – medicine men and elders of tribes all over the world – have undertaken, the most difficult practice, by far, is honesty! He talked about the little ways in which we are dishonest – things like monitoring our answering machines to see who is calling before we decide whether or not to pick up the phone. The impeccably honest thing to do would be to answer the phone and, if we didn’t want to talk with the caller, to tell him or her why we didn’t want to talk with him or her. Little dishonesties like that fill our lives, if only we are willing to see them for what they are.
Because we are only accepting of pleasure in our lives, an immense amount of fear is created as we spend our lives dodging pain.
We live our lives fearfully to such an extent that we live dishonestly.
There is dishonesty in any mind which demands that reality occur in a specific way.
from Beginning to See by A. Sujata
Why would one want to live a life of impeccable honesty, anyway? Let’s look at the consequences of living honestly vs. dishonestly. Honesty creates trust. Without trust, there can be no real intimacy in relationship. Since being dishonest requires lying to oneself, as well, there is a split in the fabric of our being that causes ongoing anxiety, distress, and, ultimately, dis-ease. We feel sick in our entire self – body, mind and spirit. When we’re honest, something simply feels right and whole in our being; when we’re dishonest, we don’t feel right inside. And when we don’t feel right, we don’t act right, and this affects everyone we come into contact with, especially those we’re closest to. When we’re honest, others also sense this rightness about us, and want to be around us and hear what we have to say. Without honesty, there can be no wisdom, because wisdom comes from living in the Truth. Obviously, there is much more to say here, but space is limited, so I’ll leave it at this….
“The genius of communication is the ability to be both totally honest and totally kind at the same time.”
— John Powell
Another friend of mine once said, “When someone tells me they’re going to be brutally honest with me, I expect them to be 90% brutal and 10% honest!” The teacher and author, George Leonard, in an interview regarding his book, The End of Sex: Towards Greater Intimacy in Relationships, when asked if we have to share everything with our partners, replied, “We don’t have to share everything – just the things that are difficult to share.” Why is it that we have such a hard time sharing our difficult truths with another person in a kind and gentle way, caring as much about the other person’s feelings as our own? Perhaps it is because we’ve held onto a particular anger or resentment much too long, letting it build in intensity to a point where it can no longer be contained, so that it explodes out instead of being given as a gift to the other. Perhaps it is because we’re afraid of the response we might get; our difficult-to-share truth might be rejected, belittled, negated or even reacted to with hostility. Perhaps we’re so afraid that we attack out of the fear of being attacked. Perhaps it’s because we don’t want to feel with them the hurt or disappointment we see in their eyes when we tell them. So, is it possible to share the difficult truths with compassion (lit. “To have passion with”) for self and other?
Sometimes when you’re honest with me
unbidden tears rush to my eyes in my defense,
and through them
it’s difficult to see you clearly.
As I pick about
in the pile of the I that seemed to shatter
with the impact of your words,
to my delight,
…and even enhanced.
It seems as if you have added a piece;
And I feel loved.
that such a gift
should be found
in such a wrapping.
In one Heartwork Basic Intensive a number of years ago, all the participants simultaneously turned their back on a woman who was doing a piece of work on herself. She was quite taken aback, to say the least. Months later, I ran into her on the street, and she was truly a different person than the one I had experienced in the Intensive. I told her how great she looked, and asked her what she had been doing that had made the change in her. She said that it had been that moment in the Intensive when everyone had turned their backs on her that she realized, for the first time in her life, how she affected people. She had been unconsciously pushing people away, and she saw how, and she didn’t want to do that anymore. She was the happiest she had ever been since that event.
What would it be like to live a life of impeccable honesty? How would you be/feel different? How would it affect your relationships with other people in your life? Might it help you know and get for yourself what you really want in your life? Might it even be a large piece of what you really want?
There are no words what Heartwork has done for me and my family. I am so grateful for Dale’s work it literally saved my life. Heartwork has taught me presence,oneness, And compassion. I am no longer a victim If I am willing to look for the answers within myself, The truth is freeing! Heartwork is the way I choose to live my life And I am so grateful.